My early life was a struggle, not a great beginning. I had no exposure to positive and validating environments and my social development was stunted in many ways. The behaviour I developed  was created to protect me, but in fact hindered me so much. Nurturing wasn’t a very prominent feature in my upbringing therefore with different experiences I became distrustful without knowing why. Since the age of 14 I have been fending for myself when I got my first job, so im very self sufficient and self reliant.

To get on in life,   I had to make believe white lies to protect myself, living a lie so that I wouldn’t be singled out. I knew that my upbringing wasn’t good but I had pretend things were ok, and this pattern
Of pretence I kept up into adolescence and adult hood.

I started going to pubs and clubs at the age of 15 and therefore drinking was just a normal part of life, my peers were way behind me in that area of life, every weekend I went out and partied, but using alcohol to mask my issues.

In school I was bright confident and outgoing but sincere.  In my last year of schooling an incident occurred, quite a major thing happened to me, and unfortunately my teacher’s breached confidentiality and the whole school were gossiping about me. I went onto college and my peers came too, the same gossip was spread through the college and I found it so hard to deal with, that I frequently missed my lessons and began to withdraw into myself, more and more.

Later when I finished college and decided to go to work, I had contemplated university but in my family there was no expectations for that, it wasn’t something that was really emphasised as an important feature to gain an academic qualification, and after 2 years of unhappiness, possible even depression at college, I decided to go into the world of work.
I always said at school “Nah, I could never work in an office all day, stuck at a desk it would be boring”… well needless to say those words came back to haunt me.

Moving from being a student into the business world was very daunting for me. I was just an ordinary working class college drop out from a very under privileged background, thrust into a huge open plan office, with all the departments, managers, directors, business protocol and procedures and the work culture itself. I knew nothing about the practicalities, even though I studied business, real life experience was drastically different to books and papers.

The people were from a world so removed from my own, I couldn’t relate to what they were talking about, I didn’t take holidays in the south of France, or go skiing in Chamonix. The conversations and language used was just alien to me. I came to the realisation very early on that I didn’t fit into that arena; however once I started to earn a wage I got caught up in the 9 to 5 mentality.

If invited out to a party, or a works do, I would spend time shopping for a new outfit and shoes, then after getting ready to go out, look at myself and think that I didn’t dress right. Looking back I realise that was must my excuse to myself for not going; my real reason was because I felt terrified to go. Didn’t know what to say, or how would I be perceived. I withdrew more and more, I thought if my true self was revealed I would be ridiculed. Even so it didn’t make any difference and people did mock me, so I built up big walls around me for protection and became a very private person, reserved and insular. Socialising became very difficult, I would constantly monitor how I behaved, and couldn’t just relax and join in. I always felt I had nothing to contribute, no-one would be interested, and others were judging me.

I look back now and realise that I was so unprepared and unsupported. It wasn’t that I was stupid, Just my ability to relate to others was so under developed, and I was scared to do or say anything for fear of being mocked. In small group meetings I would clam up and not want to say anything, one of my colleagues at the time would laugh at me, which made it worse. Larger meetings were a total nightmare. I was the kind of person who was like a door mat, always staying late to finish other peoples work, not rewarded for my efforts. I was a weak and an easy target to abuse.

Although I developed through the business, learned more and more, got used to the industry, which was a growing area (semiconductors). It was hard to move out of, because once you gain all the knowledge and experience you become entrenched and engulfed into the industry, it is hard to break out of.

I went on to marry and try to settle down but this relationship was doomed from the start, I had my own ideals about marriage being a happy ever after story, totally unrealistic for many reasons, but I thought that’s where I would find love and security.
Through this insecurity I held onto my job and stayed in the industry for too long, it was actually 15 years before I realised I didn’t want to work like that any more.

My last job in the industry began to stress me out so much. Initially the day I started I was full of confidence, but as the day drew on, I don’t know what happened. During my training and induction I was fine, but suddenly out of nowhere at lunch time when we went to the canteen, I just couldn’t function and shut down. I went very quiet and withdrew. People seemed to notice and moved away from me, which left me feeling very uncomfortable. I came on my period that night and just put it down to PMT. From that day I developed a phobia of eating in the canteen at work. My fear was that people would see me shaking. In the mornings I couldn’t eat because of the nausea, butterflies and shakes. Whilst driving to work I had to keep stopping, to get out and take deeps breaths to prevent me from vomiting.

Eventually I went to my GP, who prescribed medication for anxiety. It took time to work and things seemed to settle down for me. However we had a massive awards event where I got so anxious that I Wanted to escape, but went through it. After that I started to think about doing something more fulfilling. My thoughts after working there for 6 months were “What the hell am I doing here, I don’t enjoy what I am doing, I just clock watch all day, it doesn’t interest me, I don’t care about the money, I want to get out of here.”

I came to a fairly major life changing decision to sell my flat, go rent and take time out to research and find a job I liked, and after a year I did.

Finding this group was a revelation to me, because I had no idea others felt the same as me. In my world I was the only one who felt this way. It was an absolute god send; I am not alone with this.
Within the group I feel comfortable, able, in good company, supported and very relaxed. I know exactly what some of the others are going through, but here no one needs to feel intimidated or judged.

Since coming to the group I have found that I can open up to others more easily and initiate all my conversations without fear of anxiety. The world is a big place and I want to explore, it’s a new beginning for me in so many ways. I still get moments of hesitation, but I have to feel the fear and just go with it, is better than just sitting back and worrying what to do.

For sure I have come a long way, anyone reading this who has social anxiety may think it`s not possible, but I tell you it is. You have to be open to life and new things. I got lots of wasted time to make up for and i`m going at it full pelt.

I want to help others to overcome their fears and do what they really want to do.

Anon

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